🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long?
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

And so ends another week without me getting rich unexpectedly.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours."
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

You can't run through a campground. You can only "ran," because it's past tents.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don't open it. It's spam
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Hold on, let me overthink this.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

How do you feel when the coffee machine is out coffee? Depresso.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I might get a job cleaning mirrors. It's definitely a job I can see myself doing.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Why shouldn't you ever iron a four leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

That annoying moment when you're texting someone and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I hate it when people ask me to watch their stuff. Like what happens if someone comes and actually tries to s†éál it? Do I have to fight them? I'm not ready.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. ãdül† injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.
Anonymous