🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

I want to sleep but my brain won't stop talking to itself.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

"Made with love," means I licked the spoon and kept using it.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

"Well at least I don't have to wake up any more." Is what I want my tombstone to say.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I don't understand, but I also don't care... so it works out.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Every time we try to eat healthy along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm not a morning person. I'm not even an afternoon person. I pretty much start functioning after 6pm.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you." Like they never heard of money.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.
Anonymous