🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Don't blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Never forget those who helped you along the way... Google, Wikipedia and Dictionary.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Groucho Marx

 

[Cartridge]

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My brain cells, skin cells and hair cells continue to die, but my fat cells seem to have an eternal life.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My neighbors were yelling so loud at their kids to clean up their room that out of fear even I started cleaning my room.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I don't have bad handwriting, I'm just using my own font.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.
Anonymous