🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

I would cry but my makeup is too expensive.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Interviewer: Would you say you are independent? Me: looks at mum, mum nods Me: I'd say so, yes.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'll call it a smartphone when I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the couch cushions!"
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Due to intense brain fog all of my thoughts have been grounded until further notice.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Have you ever wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders, give them a good shake and whisper "Nobody cares!"
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I haven't tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor.. so I'm sure I wouldn't like Yoga.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I only have one wish in life... For all my dreams to come true.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

You have Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I don't know about you guys, but when I have to make a decision I analyze the situation, evaluate the risk, take measures to limit the consequences and then I completely screw up.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I am so tired ever my tiredness is tired.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Me: "I need help around here!" Then me again "No, not like that, here I'll do it."
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I only want one thing from fake people: distance.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Me and my best friend can communicate with just facial E×ρréššions.
Anonymous