🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

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Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.
Anonymous

 

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Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?
Anonymous

 

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I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today.
Anonymous

 

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I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.
Anonymous

 

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I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
Anonymous

 

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Never play pøkêr with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
Anonymous

 

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I didn't like my beard at first... then it grew on me.
Anonymous

 

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I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it's someone's birthday and I like to celebrate.
Anonymous

 

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Today I started gardening... I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day.
Anonymous

 

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Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day.
Anonymous

 

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I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck.
Anonymous

 

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There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.
Anonymous

 

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Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.
Anonymous

 

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A relationship with a best friend is like a sugarcane... You can crush it, shred it, grind it, squeeze it and it's still sweet.
Anonymous

 

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Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
Anonymous

 

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I hope we're good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people.
Anonymous

 

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Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.
Anonymous

 

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When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don't answer because I'm eating.
Anonymous

 

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Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store.
Anonymous

 

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I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.
Anonymous