🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm not always annoying, sometimes I sleep too.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

How do you go to work? Forced! No, I mean how do you arrive there? Depressed.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Sometime you meet such a prince that you'd rather marry the horse.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM!
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I always give 100% at work! 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Welcome back weekend.
Anonymous

 

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We're all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
Anonymous

 

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Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bag*****.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there's a small hole in the bag somewhere.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work.
Anonymous