🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think "I'd tap that."
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu... But a care bear, I'd definitely fight a care bear for you.
Anonymous