🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Being married means mostly shouting "What?" from other rooms.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an ãdül† is going to work for me.
Anonymous

 

[bigfishy]

ako din sasama ha tagalog naman sa akin, hugot lines naman, bawal pala english pala are

 

[Cartridge]

gawa ka nalang thread sayo boss

 

[bigfishy]

ganun nlng nga pampagoodvibes lang

 

[Cartridge]

You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Singing in the ****** is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Been there done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
Anonymous