🔒 Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

If one door closes and another door opens... your house is probably haunted.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My four moods: I'm too old for doing that. I'm too tired for doing that. I'm too sober for doing that. I don't have time for doing that.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn't know how awesome I was going to be today either.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Smile like a monkey with a new banana.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

A person who always disturbs you is a person who loves you.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

People say "go big or go home" like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah I want to go home, and I'll have a nap when I get there.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Now if you'll excuse me... today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I may be a beginner at some things, but I have a black belt in shopping.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

If you think nobody cares that you're alive try missing a couple of payments.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

It's hard to find a friend who is 95% talented, 96% funny, 98% loving, 99% intelligent and 100% sweet. So don't you dare lose me!
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I wonder what people do with all the time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK."
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Whenever I have a headache I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
-Anonymous