💕 Dating/Love IS FALLING OUT ENOUGH REASON TO SEPARATE?

[mrssaigon]

We've been together for 12 years, we have a son too. We've had ups and downs just like any other couple. I care about him a lot, and I don't want us to be in bad terms at any point. But I feel like I have lost all the love I have for him.

He cheated on me multiple times before we got married. But now, although he hasn't had an affair YET, he still looks out at other woman in front of me when we go out. We also had an issue of him having interest with one of my closest friends which I could say is our most rock bottom, thought we would part ways already. But we didn't. I fought for it and he did too. But I just feel like he's not really in love with me, seems like he still is looking for something that I don't have and I can't give.

I never once cheated on him despite of a lot of temptations. I stayed faithful and committed to him. But going back from the last three years (since 2021), I feel like I have been emotionally cheating on him. I've been thinking about someone else in my past. I should say he is my 'TOTGA'. I rejected him way before I met my husband. I have never seen him or chat with him at all. I wonder why he's been in my mind when there's no contact even once and it's driving me insane! This is been going on for 3 years.

I can't help the thought of meeting him again in the future and giving him the chance that I should've given before. He is indeed a nice and sincere guy. I know this doesn't sound right, but I couldn't fight it either. I feel bad that I don't love my husband anymore but have to pretend that I still do love him so much. I couldn't leave my him, because I know this isn't enough reason to leave. And trust me, I've been trying myself to fall back from the last years but I haven't feel that love I felt with him before. I know he loves me, but I also feel like he's not that happy with me, no wonder why he can't help looking at other girls outside. He couldn't just admit to it cause he doesn't want to regret either.

He doesn't work, but he takes care of me and my son and I appreciate that so much. That means, I am the bread winner. I work two jobs at night and he does all the house hold stuffs. I am earning enough, but is honestly is not enough to save money. I've been dreaming to build my own house too, but the pressure is there. I couldn't save enough because of our expenses. This is also probably a reason of me falling out. I feel tired of being the bread winner and not attaining something for myself Don't get me wrong, I feel so good that I am able to provide a lifestyle for my family and buy them things they want. But at the same time, I feel sad that I don't get to enjoy it for myself cause I shoulder everything. Utilities, tuition fee, food allowance and their allowances too. This makes me feel too that this could be his reason of holding on to me even though he's no longer happy. His life is comfortable with me so why would he bother leaving.

I wanted to be happy too just like how I want him to be happy. It hurts to think that we both don't have the guts to leave but are both unhappy.

Please give me some advises.

 

[Slime-]

Sa tingin ko po alam mo na sagot jan, kailangan mo nalang ng konteng push.

Cheating is a valid reason para mawalan ka ng gana sa relasyon nyo, sabi nga "once a cheater, always a cheater".

Yung sa anak nyo nalang po ang pag isipin nyo ng mabuti kung paano ang future nya etc.

Goodluck.

 

[Kaplok Kaplok]

Love is not a passive process like falling. That is called infatuation. Love is a choice you have to continuously make.

Sound to me like mayroon kang expectation na hindi nameet ng husband mo, more particularly on the financial issues. You are not happy with that setup, and perhaps, you have expectations and fantasies na nakita mo sa iba, pero wala ka.

At this point, you just have to be honest to him. Tell him. If he is not capable of changing, then hiwalayan mo na. Keep in mind that you might get what you wish for, just to realize that is not what you wanted.

 

[NatureLover7]

Hahaha Love? Don't call it Love if you do not know how to commit

It's just a cycle un ending misery if someone do not.know how to be contented.

Because once you look for a new it will happen again

History repeats itself if you do not know how to be contented.


You will be hurt again and again.

You will find a person is sincere if the person can show you Love until you grow old.

What if 10 years and 20 years?
After that ? Hanap ulit ? After 20 years do you think that guy from the past will love you?


Come to think of it.
You already married. Instead of going to a cycle of un ending misery.


Just focus on your son.

 

[alist1986]

It seems you're both experiencing a type of "7-year itch" situation. You two are facing a transition period as a couple due to events that stressed both of you, causing a decline in intimacy, unsatisfied with many aspects of your relationship as if it is not working, reminiscing on the negative past, wandering/fantasizing on making a new relationship. etc...It never ends as the stress is still there. It's a common thing among couples in various ways at some point of their lives, but there's no easy solution unless you are willing to resolve it.

I'm sure there are still hidden stories lurking that we don't know about which caused you to gradually feel exhausted on what's happening to both of you. Better start having a heart-to-heart talk with your husband openly about your desires/needs, your burdens, even regarding finances or any kind of support. Work on your marriage and resolve your issues. Try to rekindle your emotional connection with him. Spend some time together as a start. In this way, you can have a candid conversation even regarding his behavior on looking at other women as an example. Treat this as a therapy in finding out why these negative factors affected your feeling towards him including the thought of thinking about somebody else. Remember? You need to know his side of the story too. As married couples mature, it always boils down to what is truly important to both of you, whether it's comfort and security, love, connection, what is negotiable or non-negotiable in your relationship. Knowing the ins and outs of your partner make it a lot easier for you to understand what you're going to do as you spend time together.

I'm 28-yrs married and experienced this same feeling many times too, including the feeling of leaving my wife and she leaving me. Yet we're happy and sad evenly as of this day, as we understood that life isn't perfect. Problems always arise, so we make it a point to resolve it by listening and acting like normal adults before it becomes worst. And we have no regrets. We avoid dwelling with the negatives of our past, only the good ones. If you forgive, you forget. Others won't agree, but it's the truth. We're still together coping on our day-to-day problems as if it's nothing to us. I'm retired and she's now the breadwinner. But she trusts me more than I trust her. Why? Because I was I great provider during the past. We make it a point to adjust automatically with the times without even talking about it, because we know each other very well.

I'm attracted to beautiful women too. She doesn't mind because it's normal to have a little fantasy as long as I don't act on that attraction. Besides, she's my one and only he he. It's also same on her case. We hug, kiss, say "I love you" when we feel like it (almost everyday), and just laugh on how our life has changed through the years. We learned to keep our relationship alive even through our ups and downs. Marriage is a learning process whether paths lead to continually living together or parting ways. It's your life choices that lead you to what it will become.

Come to think of it. It's hard to maintain a relationship, especially at difficult times. So it's either you end it and renew another, or keep it going while the love is still there! Which one will you choose?

Sorry for the long narration. I was just carried away by your case!

 

[alist1986]

Separation doesn’t have to be the go-to move especially if there’s still a foundation to build on. You’ve invested 12 years together, and that’s worth fighting for. But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for being unhappy. It just means you have to dig a little deeper, maybe get some help if you need to (like counseling), and try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. Think about what you can do to rekindle what you once had and make things work better for both of you. You’ve already fought to keep this relationship going before, so maybe it’s worth fighting for again. Communication is key.
As for the ‘TOTGA,’ it’s normal for your mind to drift, especially when things are tough. But remember, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Those thoughts are probably more about what’s missing in your current situation than about actually wanting to be with someone else.
If your husband never changes, despite your efforts and he still seems to be looking for something you can’t provide and staying together because it's convenient or comfortable, that's a recipe for long-term misery. It’s worth considering whether staying in the relationship is truly beneficial for you.
It’s about finding a way to be happy together, not just coexisting.
You deserve that, and so does your son.

Our responses were almost the same basing it on mrssaigon' first post. Generally, it would be enough. If you included all her threads related to this (below), it's a simple case of fear, despair and hopelessness caused by long-standing incidents. It's some form of PTSD.
https://phcorner.org/threads/inherited-property-or-buy-your-own.1963279/
Lost feelings for my spouse because of past issues
There maybe more, but "she never responded" on her threads.
(A lot of couples are still struggling to this day from the after-effects of post-traumatic stress of the COVID 19 pandemic.)

This is just my clear and honest assessment as I read the words in her mouth from the 3 threads. Her husband never cheated (literally) during her marriage, it was his staring, leering or ogling (whichever fitted her understanding) on other women that offended her the most. Cheating (or any similar form) before the marriage isn't an issue anymore. You got married, so that past is forgotten when you took the oath. I'm sure it's just a harmless and natural effect of her husband's testosterone levels he he - but not to her! It's a problem they have to resolve as her husband lied and probably shoves the idea of talking about it. He doesn't know that her possessive behavior and jealousy was the main factor why she is thinking of leaving him. I mentioned this because of this, "No LDR to avoid my paranoia". The rest of their bad experiences triggered her dilemma.

She is just confused, because she says she loves him and then "I don't love him anymore", "I was happy with our set up" and then "I feel sorry that I don't love him anymore", etc. She uses this same pattern in most of her statements. If we summarize their story correctly, they both agreed, and were contented on their setup - she is the breadwinner (via work from home) and her husband takes care of the kids. The inheritance thread is simply another story on her struggles in decision-making about finances in renovating the house (not their own) or a new one which could affect their future. It's just a case of paperwork and negotiations with the next-of-kin of the properties to settle things as it should be before they decide. But I guess this has not happened yet, since she's still seeking help.

I would say she is a type of "matriach" who dominates the family based on the tone of words she uses. Yet she shares mutual respect for her partner on their decision-making, but it was not enough for her. She cares for him too even while clinging to the idea of leaving. She's expecting more from her husband (which the latter doesn't), and a single mistake (the ogling) will be enough to end them. Remember, she came from a "broken family" probably caused by infidelity - from separated parents. She hates this idea happening in her life.

The conditions she experienced throughout her life made her what she is and how she behaves. It's the same for her husband as well. Couples who don't learn to be true and open to their partners will face the same tragedy even how big, small or crazy the problem is. I have been telling "lost" couples like this that a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. You need to be aware of your partners' feelings rather than only yours, and sacrifice for the common good - as most people say. You have to agree at one point and move on to the next. The answer is implied in your last statement, "It’s about finding a way to be happy together, not just coexisting".

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