PH
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Harmione
1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings
With every broken relationship comes baggage. The (a) longer and (b) more intense your relationship is, the more baggage youād have accumulated. The length of time me and G were in close, active communication was about 2.5~3 years in total. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.
Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment. If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. Itās natural to feel these. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred. If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings. Donāt block them away. Embrace them and accept them.
2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you
A large portion why you canāt move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as āthe oneā for you. You just canāt see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a āsome dayā which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections ā both on you and of him/her.
One thing Iāve realized is that if the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isnāt there, then anything else can come forth as a āreasonā for not being together.
If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isnāt the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isnāt meant to be. Because ultimately, itās not about the right place or right timing. Itās about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. Thatās why itās called the right person.
3. Share with your close friends
You donāt have to go through this alone. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period.
Looking back, I canāt imagine how I could have dealt with this saga without my close friends with me. K, for sure. Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my god brother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.
4. Reduce contact with him/her
The initial healing period of every wound is always the most delicate. During this time, you wouldnāt want anything to come near and agitate your wound. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. Because of that, it might help to reduce contact with this person at the beginning, if thatās what itās going to take to move on faster.
There are three possible situations where youād have to do so.
If you feel you canāt move on with constant reminder of his/her presence.
If he/she keeps pestering you even though you just want to be friends.
If he/she acts in a way that prevents you from moving on. For example, words or actions that are more romantic than platonic, making it hard for you to decipher on the status of the relationship.
5. Seek closure with him/he
At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and pent up emotions. Questions like: Why did he/she do this to me? What was he/she really feeling at that time? Did he/she ever liked me? Why couldnāt things be worked out? You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered.
Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Arrange for a heartfelt talk with him/her and get the air cleared with these questions. Ask for his/her side of the story. Listen. Talk it out. Seek for an answer, in his/her own words.
At the end, you will find itās really not so much the answer itself that matters, but the fact that there was an answer. Itās like the piece to the whole puzzle. It gives you certainty on where he/she stands.
Some of you may ask ā What if he/she avoids the issue or doesnāt answer the question(s)? If thatās the case, the avoidance itself is the answer. You can interpret the behavior in whatever way you want ā irresponsible, player, evasive, unsure, conflicted ā but the fact is, he/she chose to avoid. If he/she canāt even give you a proper answer you need, perhaps he/she is just not worth it.
6. Forgive him/her
I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves.
It makes sense doesnāt it? When you feel angry/bitter toward someone, itās not the other person who is carrying the anger and bitterness. Itās you. For what itās worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you are feeling toward him/her. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. On a deeper level, I believe you are angry/bitter at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt by this person. This was what happened to me.
Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. Itās like while dragging a whole pile of carcasses wherever you go. Iām sure you feel tired emotionally and mentally from the episode. You canāt get anywhere far if you keep dragging them along.
To forgive him/her, first forgive yourself. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances. Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to these baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally.
7. Do the things you love
Steps 1-6 are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue. While spending time in your internal world is important, donāt linger too long in this stage. Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Exercising? Jogging? Swimming? Cycling? Rollerblading? Traveling? Going out with friends? Movies? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them.
8. Meet new people
Itās easy to get trapped in your head thinking about the thing for too long. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there. There are many great people to know out there. Donāt get cooped up with your life. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle.
9. Know there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her
Itās easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesnāt work out. I thought I wasnāt good enough for a long while, both consciously and subconsciously as you could see throughout the series. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship. Everyone looks for different people. There is no preset criteria on what are the ārightā or āwrongā traits to embody, just different expectations. If you donāt embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys arenāt the right match. Thatās all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her. You guys just arenāt suited for each other.
10. Recognize there is someone out there for you
It might be hard to believe as you try to move on from a broken past, but itās true. Heck, Iām 25 (as of 2010), never been in a truly serious relationship (by choice), met my share of incompatible guys, and I still believe thereās someone out there for me!
Thereās no reason why you shouldnāt think so! I donāt care how many relationships youāve been in the past, how many wrong men/women youāve been with, or whether youāve never been in any real relationships. (I havenāt). There is someone out there for you. Youāre definitely not the only single out there in the world. Look around you! Look at your friends. Look at the people on the streets. Do you think youāre the only person who is single in this world? Of course not! There are 7 billion people in the world. For every couple you see out there, there are multiples of other singles. For every single you see, there are even more singles.
There is someone out there for you. Iām as convicted of this for myself as much as I am for you. Just because you are single now doesnāt mean you will remain forever single. It just means you have not found the right person. Meanwhile, focus on living your best life in your definitions. Most importantly, remember that your life doesnāt and shouldnāt hinge on having a special partner or not. We are complete by ourselves and relationships should not be there to complete us.
With every broken relationship comes baggage. The (a) longer and (b) more intense your relationship is, the more baggage youād have accumulated. The length of time me and G were in close, active communication was about 2.5~3 years in total. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.
Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment. If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. Itās natural to feel these. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred. If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings. Donāt block them away. Embrace them and accept them.
2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you
A large portion why you canāt move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as āthe oneā for you. You just canāt see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a āsome dayā which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections ā both on you and of him/her.
One thing Iāve realized is that if the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isnāt there, then anything else can come forth as a āreasonā for not being together.
If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isnāt the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isnāt meant to be. Because ultimately, itās not about the right place or right timing. Itās about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. Thatās why itās called the right person.
3. Share with your close friends
You donāt have to go through this alone. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period.
Looking back, I canāt imagine how I could have dealt with this saga without my close friends with me. K, for sure. Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my god brother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.
4. Reduce contact with him/her
The initial healing period of every wound is always the most delicate. During this time, you wouldnāt want anything to come near and agitate your wound. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. Because of that, it might help to reduce contact with this person at the beginning, if thatās what itās going to take to move on faster.
There are three possible situations where youād have to do so.
If you feel you canāt move on with constant reminder of his/her presence.
If he/she keeps pestering you even though you just want to be friends.
If he/she acts in a way that prevents you from moving on. For example, words or actions that are more romantic than platonic, making it hard for you to decipher on the status of the relationship.
5. Seek closure with him/he
At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and pent up emotions. Questions like: Why did he/she do this to me? What was he/she really feeling at that time? Did he/she ever liked me? Why couldnāt things be worked out? You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered.
Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Arrange for a heartfelt talk with him/her and get the air cleared with these questions. Ask for his/her side of the story. Listen. Talk it out. Seek for an answer, in his/her own words.
At the end, you will find itās really not so much the answer itself that matters, but the fact that there was an answer. Itās like the piece to the whole puzzle. It gives you certainty on where he/she stands.
Some of you may ask ā What if he/she avoids the issue or doesnāt answer the question(s)? If thatās the case, the avoidance itself is the answer. You can interpret the behavior in whatever way you want ā irresponsible, player, evasive, unsure, conflicted ā but the fact is, he/she chose to avoid. If he/she canāt even give you a proper answer you need, perhaps he/she is just not worth it.
6. Forgive him/her
I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves.
It makes sense doesnāt it? When you feel angry/bitter toward someone, itās not the other person who is carrying the anger and bitterness. Itās you. For what itās worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you are feeling toward him/her. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. On a deeper level, I believe you are angry/bitter at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt by this person. This was what happened to me.
Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. Itās like while dragging a whole pile of carcasses wherever you go. Iām sure you feel tired emotionally and mentally from the episode. You canāt get anywhere far if you keep dragging them along.
To forgive him/her, first forgive yourself. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances. Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to these baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally.
7. Do the things you love
Steps 1-6 are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue. While spending time in your internal world is important, donāt linger too long in this stage. Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Exercising? Jogging? Swimming? Cycling? Rollerblading? Traveling? Going out with friends? Movies? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them.
8. Meet new people
Itās easy to get trapped in your head thinking about the thing for too long. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there. There are many great people to know out there. Donāt get cooped up with your life. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle.
9. Know there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her
Itās easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesnāt work out. I thought I wasnāt good enough for a long while, both consciously and subconsciously as you could see throughout the series. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship. Everyone looks for different people. There is no preset criteria on what are the ārightā or āwrongā traits to embody, just different expectations. If you donāt embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys arenāt the right match. Thatās all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her. You guys just arenāt suited for each other.
10. Recognize there is someone out there for you
It might be hard to believe as you try to move on from a broken past, but itās true. Heck, Iām 25 (as of 2010), never been in a truly serious relationship (by choice), met my share of incompatible guys, and I still believe thereās someone out there for me!
Thereās no reason why you shouldnāt think so! I donāt care how many relationships youāve been in the past, how many wrong men/women youāve been with, or whether youāve never been in any real relationships. (I havenāt). There is someone out there for you. Youāre definitely not the only single out there in the world. Look around you! Look at your friends. Look at the people on the streets. Do you think youāre the only person who is single in this world? Of course not! There are 7 billion people in the world. For every couple you see out there, there are multiples of other singles. For every single you see, there are even more singles.
There is someone out there for you. Iām as convicted of this for myself as much as I am for you. Just because you are single now doesnāt mean you will remain forever single. It just means you have not found the right person. Meanwhile, focus on living your best life in your definitions. Most importantly, remember that your life doesnāt and shouldnāt hinge on having a special partner or not. We are complete by ourselves and relationships should not be there to complete us.
