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Wouldnāt it be wonderful if every person we interacted with was nice, kind, considerate, mindful, generous, and more. Too bad we all know thatās not how life works. Some people drive us crazy, and we (admittedly) drive a few mad as well.
Yet there are those people who seem to get along with pretty much everyone. The chances are they donāt like a few of the people they know, even if their relationships with them seem fine on the surface. But how do they manage this? Here are eight methods you can use to deal with this problem yourself.
1. They accept that they are not going to like everyone
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we are nice people. We think that we are going to like everyone we interact with ā even when thatās not going to happen. Itās inevitable you will encounter difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are a result of differences in values.
That person you donāt like is not intrinsically a bad human. The reason you donāt get along is because you have different values, and that difference creates judgment. Once you accept that not everyone will like you, and you wonāt like everyone because of a difference in values, the realization can take the emotion out of the situation. That may even result in getting along better by agreeing to disagree.
2. They bear with (not ignore or dismiss) those they donāt like
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit your teeth at her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers around her all the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone might not be the worst thing. āFrom a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,ā says Robert Sutton, a professor of management science at Stanford University.
āYou need people who have different points of view and arenāt afraid to argue,ā Sutton adds. āThey are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.ā It may not be easy, but bear with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us that prompt us to new insights and help propel the group to success. Remember, you are not perfect either, yet people still tolerate you.
3. They treat those they donāt like with civility
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will be highly attuned to your attitude and behavior, and will likely reflect it back to you. If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all decorum and be rude to you too. The onus; therefore, is on you to remain fair, impartial, and composed.
āCultivating a diplomatic pĆøkĆŖr face is important. You need to be able to come across as professional and positive,ā says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist. This way you wonāt stoop to their level or be sucked into acting the way they do.
4. They check their own expectations
Itās not uncommon for people to have unrealistic expectations about others. We may expect others to act exactly as we would, or say the things that we might say in a certain situation. However, thatās not realistic. āPeople have ingrained personality traits that are going to largely determine how they react," says Alan A. Cavaiola, a psychology professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey. āExpecting others to do as you would do is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.ā
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time, adjust your expectations appropriately. This way youāll be psychologically prepared and their behavior will not catch you by surprise. Smart people do this all the time. Theyāre not always surprised by a dis-likable personās behavior.
5. They turn inwards and focus on themselves
No matter what you try, some people can still really get under our skin. Itās important that you learn how to handle your frustration when dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how irritating that person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes what we donāt like in others is frequently what we donāt like in ourselves. Besides, they didnāt create the button, theyāre only pushing it.
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your feelings. You may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction. Remember: itās easier to change your perceptions, attitude, and behavior than to ask someone to be a different kind of person.
6. They pause and take a deep breath
Some personality characteristics may always set you off, says Kathleen Bartle, a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe itās the colleague who regularly misses deadlines, or the guy who tells off-color jokes. Take a look at what sets you off and whoās pushing your buttons. That way, Bartle says, you can prepare for when it happens again.
According to her, āIf you can pause and get a grip on your adrenaline pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, youāll be better able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment.ā A deep breath and one big step back can also help to calm you down and protect you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to proceed with a slightly more open mind and heart.
7. They voice their own needs
If certain people constantly tick you off, calmly let them know that their manner of behavior or communication style is a problem for you. Avoid accusatory language and instead try the āWhen you...I feel...ā formula. For example, Cacaiola advises you to tell that person, āWhen you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you donāt value my contributions.ā Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
You may find that the other person didnāt realize you werenāt finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea that she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
8. They allow space between them
If all else fails, smart people allow space between themselves and those they donāt like. Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work, move to another room or sit at the other end of the conference table. With a bit of distance, perspective, and empathy, you may be able to come back and interact both with those people you like and those you donāt like as if unfazed.
Yet there are those people who seem to get along with pretty much everyone. The chances are they donāt like a few of the people they know, even if their relationships with them seem fine on the surface. But how do they manage this? Here are eight methods you can use to deal with this problem yourself.
1. They accept that they are not going to like everyone
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we are nice people. We think that we are going to like everyone we interact with ā even when thatās not going to happen. Itās inevitable you will encounter difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are a result of differences in values.
That person you donāt like is not intrinsically a bad human. The reason you donāt get along is because you have different values, and that difference creates judgment. Once you accept that not everyone will like you, and you wonāt like everyone because of a difference in values, the realization can take the emotion out of the situation. That may even result in getting along better by agreeing to disagree.
2. They bear with (not ignore or dismiss) those they donāt like
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit your teeth at her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers around her all the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone might not be the worst thing. āFrom a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,ā says Robert Sutton, a professor of management science at Stanford University.
āYou need people who have different points of view and arenāt afraid to argue,ā Sutton adds. āThey are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.ā It may not be easy, but bear with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us that prompt us to new insights and help propel the group to success. Remember, you are not perfect either, yet people still tolerate you.
3. They treat those they donāt like with civility
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will be highly attuned to your attitude and behavior, and will likely reflect it back to you. If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all decorum and be rude to you too. The onus; therefore, is on you to remain fair, impartial, and composed.
āCultivating a diplomatic pĆøkĆŖr face is important. You need to be able to come across as professional and positive,ā says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist. This way you wonāt stoop to their level or be sucked into acting the way they do.
4. They check their own expectations
Itās not uncommon for people to have unrealistic expectations about others. We may expect others to act exactly as we would, or say the things that we might say in a certain situation. However, thatās not realistic. āPeople have ingrained personality traits that are going to largely determine how they react," says Alan A. Cavaiola, a psychology professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey. āExpecting others to do as you would do is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.ā
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time, adjust your expectations appropriately. This way youāll be psychologically prepared and their behavior will not catch you by surprise. Smart people do this all the time. Theyāre not always surprised by a dis-likable personās behavior.
5. They turn inwards and focus on themselves
No matter what you try, some people can still really get under our skin. Itās important that you learn how to handle your frustration when dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how irritating that person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes what we donāt like in others is frequently what we donāt like in ourselves. Besides, they didnāt create the button, theyāre only pushing it.
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your feelings. You may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction. Remember: itās easier to change your perceptions, attitude, and behavior than to ask someone to be a different kind of person.
6. They pause and take a deep breath
Some personality characteristics may always set you off, says Kathleen Bartle, a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe itās the colleague who regularly misses deadlines, or the guy who tells off-color jokes. Take a look at what sets you off and whoās pushing your buttons. That way, Bartle says, you can prepare for when it happens again.
According to her, āIf you can pause and get a grip on your adrenaline pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, youāll be better able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment.ā A deep breath and one big step back can also help to calm you down and protect you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to proceed with a slightly more open mind and heart.
7. They voice their own needs
If certain people constantly tick you off, calmly let them know that their manner of behavior or communication style is a problem for you. Avoid accusatory language and instead try the āWhen you...I feel...ā formula. For example, Cacaiola advises you to tell that person, āWhen you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you donāt value my contributions.ā Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
You may find that the other person didnāt realize you werenāt finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea that she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
8. They allow space between them
If all else fails, smart people allow space between themselves and those they donāt like. Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work, move to another room or sit at the other end of the conference table. With a bit of distance, perspective, and empathy, you may be able to come back and interact both with those people you like and those you donāt like as if unfazed.
